Mania

In December 2020, I experienced a severe manic episode. I didn't know it at the time, but I couldn't control myself either. I didn't realize that what I was experiencing was severe mania, not hypomania, but straight ugly crazy mania. When did it all start, I'm not even sure. For as long as I can remember I was always hot-headed. I've never had a normal reaction to circumstances that made me feel out of place. Whenever I get hurt, I would blow the fuck up. I'd become a whole different version of myself, that I would later hate and regret showing. A few things happened to set me off. I was asked and told a few things that just didn't sit well with me. I'll leave that information with those who shared it with me. 
I'm over here trying to woosah my damn life, and then I hear something that would trigger my resentment. As I was triggered by things that were happening in my family, I did what I would have never done otherwise. That coupled with a few days of no sleep, made for a bomb to go off and it did. I went LIVE on Facebook and ranted out shit that dug up a past full of pain. These were thoughts I had worked so hard to put behind me. If you're reading this then you remember the day, I lost my shit. I mean I lost my shit and there were over 600 viewers, who got to witness the bullshit. Everything I said came from times when I felt betrayed and not just for myself but for others who are important to me. I laid it all out and said what I said. I won't deny it, but if it hurts, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt anyone but myself. I just wanted to share what I was feeling. I didn't know what else to do with what I was feeling sometimes. 
During my live manic episode, I started to slip in and out of psychosis. After the online rant, I fell deep into psychosis. For an entire week, I was hallucinating. In all honesty, I thought I had died and was a bit relieved. However, what was happening was something out of an international drama series. I felt as if I had fallen into a deep sleep, and started to take a journey through the windows of various moments of my past. Mixed with future things that may or may not have occurred. I felt as if I was staring down two entirely separated paths. I continued to see faces talking to me throughout my psychosis. Faces from my past, present, and faces I have never seen. I had conversations with each visit. I remember taking notes from any advice given to me at that time. I felt as if my soul was being fed while my body was resting. Eating up every word ushered to me by each visitor. Sending me off with deep provoking thoughts. Things that would keep me in a trance. As if I was in STUCK mode. Taking it all in.
I talked to faces from my past. The same vibe followed through each visit. It was a constant reminder that I should never care what others think or say about me. Every message was to comfort me. However, in reality, I had no idea what my poor family was dealing with while I was away in my head. I didn’t realize that I was wandering naked around my room and the bathroom. My husband was trying tirelessly to ensure I didn’t walk out of the house naked. It was a point in my life, where I didn’t even care whether I was alive or not. I knew my mind had taken me somewhere I had never been before. Lowkey, I didn’t want to come back. It was the first time I didn’t feel any pain in my body, nor anxiety in my belly, and no more judgment.