It was a normal day like any other, both parents had to work and the three of us were being dropped off at the babysitter. I didn’t like to go but as the oldest, I knew it was where Mom and Dad had to take us, so they could get to work. I’ll never forget how impatient, rude, and mean this babysitter was. It didn’t help that her child was just as mean. It felt as if we weren’t supposed to be there, as though we were such a burden, or as if we were the uninvited guest to a dinner party.
I kept quiet and just observed the flow of their apartment and their family. I’ll never forget the kindness of her husband. I remember him always calming his wife down, every time she would start to make a fuss about watching us. It used to confuse me and make me cry. I couldn’t understand what my brothers and I ever did to upset this woman. I would try to make sure I cleaned up after myself and my brothers. She adored my baby brother. He was a handsome baby. My mother said we were all easy babies to watch. We never made a fuss unless we needed to be fed, changed, or put to sleep. So I assume that was the reason my baby brother was doted over while she looked at my other brother and me as a nuisance in her day to days.
It felt as if she didn’t like to look after my toddler brother and me. Her husband was kind. I remember him offering to take my brother and me to the liquor store (mini-market) for candy, while he grabbed a bottle of liquor for himself. This was always the highlight of our time there. One day, he offered again, to go to the store to get his drink and some candy for us. My brother was napping and he asked if I wanted to go and get candy for myself and my brother. Without any hesitation, I agreed.
I remember getting up to go and walking out of the apartment. I followed him down the hall. This time we didn’t go out of the normal entryway. I followed him through the halls, where I noticed most of the other apartments were vacant. It started to feel a bit creepy, but I brushed it off. I wasn’t exactly sure where we were headed, I just knew I was excited to get candy for my brother and me. I remember him telling me something but I didn’t hear or understand what he was saying. I just followed him, into another abandoned apartment unit.
He told me to go into the closet where a light was on. It was a small walk-in closet. He came in and turned off the light. He started to undress me. I felt cold fingers up between my legs and I cried. He whispered, “shhhhh” softly and repeatedly. I remember it sounded like someone trying to comfort me. I felt a horrible pain, I never felt before. I remember getting the chills. They just ran up and down my back, telling me this was all wrong. I didn’t know what to do. I cried louder and the pain stopped. I heard his zipper and a buckling sound. The lights went on and he started to dress me back up.
He looked different to me. No longer the friendly man I thought he was. Walking back to the apartment unit, I asked if we were going to the store. I remember the look on his face. It was a look of pure disappointment. I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I just knew I was hurting and that my entire being was screaming inside of me. I felt unsafe but I wanted the candy we were promised. I held my tears and the hiccup sound in my throat. I didn’t want to cry. Especially, after I was told to stop crying. I didn’t know what I did wrong to make this man get so upset with me. It looked like he couldn’t stand the sight of me. At six years old, I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I just knew we were walking back to that unit, where I always felt nothing but pure dread.
During this walk, I wanted to check out of my body. I felt like a body bag. I didn’t even feel like myself. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I felt as if it was all my fault and I didn’t even know why. We walked back to his unit and I saw the look on his wife’s face. She looked at me as if I was a pain in her ass. I recognized that look because it was the look she gave me, every time she had to say anything to me. It was a look of disgust.
I just looked for my brother and saw him sitting quietly in the corner of the living area, rocking the car seat that our baby brother was in. We used to rock his car seat like a rocking chair. I walked over to my brother and hugged him and didn’t let go until I got yelled at. I held those tears so hard and for so long. Once my mother came to get us, I felt a sense of relief. I remember her asking me if I was okay and responding I was just fine. I just wanted to forget what happened to me and all the dark feelings that followed. I didn’t want to cry. I never wanted to cry. I just wanted the pain of what I had encountered to be over. I never wanted to feel that pain again and I couldn’t even allow it to happen to my brothers. I just didn’t want any of us to be a burden to anyone else or to be violated by anyone else, especially after not getting any of the candy I was promised.
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