Diva's Deep Dive

  I'm about to be fucking honest with myself. No sugar coating my shit, just telling it like it is, right now. I know I say I'm going to do this and that, and then I do diddly shit. Not a damn thing. My ADHD has been fucking with me. I've been so drained with all the projects, and none of them are complete. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself,f but fuck, I hate this. Hate me. Ready to beat the shit out of myself cause I can't understand how or why I am the way I am. I'm definitely at war with myself. Again. Big sigh, small shrug. Back at one. I have highs and lows. Not just like any average person. My highs are like a wired Energizer Bunny that never rests. My lows are so fucking low, it's almost tempting to end it all.    Some days I miss my highs. I get a lot done during my highs and jack shit during my lows. In my highs, I get up, dress up, and fuck shit up. Completing one task after another. The weight just melts right off my body. It's like I wan...

In December 2020, I experienced a severe manic episode. I didn't know it at the time, but I couldn't control myself either. I didn't realize that what I was experiencing was severe mania, not hypomania, but straight ugly crazy mania. When did it all start, I'm not even sure. For as long as I can remember I was always hot-headed. I've never had a normal reaction to circumstances that made me feel out of place. Whenever I get hurt, I would blow the fuck up. I'd become a whole different version of myself, that I would later hate and regret showing. A few things happened to set me off. I was asked and told a few things that just didn't sit well with me. I'll leave that information with those who shared it with me.  I'm over here trying to woosah my damn life, and then I hear something that would trigger my resentment. As I was triggered by things that were happening in my family, I did what I would have never done otherwise. That coupled with a few d...

Before all the dramatic moments of me started, there was a time where I knew I had to get away from that babysitter. I never wanted to run away from someone as I did that very day. I was only six years old going on my seventh year, living in Hawthorne, California. By 7, we had moved to Inglewood, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t deal with the constant coldness of these people, my parents had left with us. The coldness from his wife was something I got used to. The coldness of her husband was more than I could bear. As a child, I was always looking for comfort, without crying for it. I just wanted the pain of being me, to disappear. I hated feeling dead inside. I was a kid and didn’t know much, I just knew I hated the feeling of dread. One day, my parents dropped me off at school like any other day. However, for me, this was a day I didn’t want to feel that agonizing pain, any more. I waited for them to drive away, before walking right back out of the schoolyard. I walked and walke...

Sometime after my ordeal with the babysitter’s husband, I went to school and started a fight with another kid. I didn’t mean to. I know it started with him being a typical boy, making fun of my bushy ass hair. I remember getting so mad and knowing that he was older I still let my slick mouth hit the wind. All the kids heard me call him a word that should never be said. It was a racial slur that even to this day I could not understand why I called him that name. I just knew he was older than me and was being a shitty kid. For whatever reason, he loved to call me ugly and that I needed to go home and comb my hair. Which was strange to me cause his hair was just as textured as mine. I knew he could kick my ass. It was the reason I threw a rock at him for making fun of me. I remember saying, “FUCK YOU” and then the word. I hate to admit I said this but I did and I can’t take it back. I ran as fast as I can to the girl’s bathroom and waited it out until the bell rang. After that, there wa...

          It was a normal day like any other, both parents had to work and the three of us were being dropped off at the babysitter. I didn’t like to go but as the oldest, I knew it was where Mom and Dad had to take us, so they could get to work. I’ll never forget how impatient, rude, and mean this babysitter was. It didn’t help that her child was just as mean. It felt as if we weren’t supposed to be there, as though we were such a burden, or as if we were the uninvited guest to a dinner party.  I kept quiet and just observed the flow of their apartment and their family. I’ll never forget the kindness of her husband. I remember him always calming his wife down, every time she would start to make a fuss about watching us. It used to confuse me and make me cry. I couldn’t understand what my brothers and I ever did to upset this woman. I would try to make sure I cleaned up after myself and my brothers. She adored my baby brother. He was a handsome baby...

There have been so many moments in my life, where I have felt not myself. There are more frequent moments where I am questioning myself, comparing myself, or regretting myself. It’s all played out so ugly, in my own life. I have allowed myself to drown in the heartbreaking moments. I have tried understanding different circumstances, from all points. I had a hard time accepting that someone hurt me, on purpose. I didn’t think that was a possibility until 2011. It was the year that changed so much for me. It may have been one incident but it rocked me to my core, because it hurt someone most valuable to me, my child. I always knew there was a darkness in me, I just didn’t know how to silence it. The darkness in me is starting to really show itself. There was a day I’ll never forget. A day I actually felt I could murder someone. I always knew that we were all capable if given the right reason and time. I just didn’t realize how this feeling would affect me. That experience, for now, wil...