First Time

    One summer night, my cousin had given me her sports car to borrow for the night. It was a warm breezy Sunday evening. I took my new crush for a ride. We ended up in a park, making out heavily. The most embarrassing part of the night was getting caught by a police officer with my dress unzipped while sitting on his lap in the passenger seat. I was a minor and he was not. I went to court for breaking curfew while he was charged for messing with me. It didn't stop there for us. I loved making out but was still a virgin and we were an on-and-off-again thing.      

    Dad had just passed and we laid him to rest. I was 15 years old with a massive new crush on this guy who was older than me. Nothing new, I always loved older guys. They weren't as dull or immature as the dudes my age. It was definitely a rebound crush, as my ex-boyfriend, now my husband, had broken up with me. I was in pieces. Devastated. Mourning my father and my previous relationship, I started to lose pieces of myself to other guys I would make out with. Still, I was not ready for sex. I was such a tease. I was naive and vulnerable. I wasn't attracted to this crush physically but I knew all the others girls wanted him and he was looking at me. I had his attention and I liked it. 

    One night after hanging out with his sisters who were like sisters to me, we all fell asleep in his sister's room upstairs. In the middle of the night, I felt a hand on me, feeling me up and down, then I heard a whisper. He was sitting next to me, whispering in my ear sweet invitations to hang with him in his room. It took me a moment to figure out what was happening here, but I figured why not. I know him. I felt safe for a moment in his home. He smelt so good, yummy even. The temptation and attraction to one another was thick.

    I followed him downstairs to the basement where he shared a room with his brother. His brother was not home. It was just the two of us, or so I thought. He led me to his bed, in the dark, music playing in the background. He kissed me so sweetly before he started sucking on me aggressively. I kept stopping him to take breaks. He told me he wanted me. I thought he wanted me to be more than what we were. I didn't realize he just wanted some of me. He kept pressing me and I kept saying no. I was not ready and I sure as hell didn't think I wanted my first to be him. 

    He kept kissing me in places that made my body quiver, telling me he wanted me. I kept saying no. I really wasn't ready. He begged me for more. He told me he just wanted to make me feel good. As he pulled down my panty, I got scared and checked out of my body. I started to picture my ex-boyfriend kissing me, wanting me, loving up on me. My crush started to penetrate my v-jay and it hurt. In and out he started to thrust his hips into mine. It hurt like hell. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I wasn't how I envisioned this would go. 

    Afterward, he was knocked out right beside me. I got up in shock, wanting to be anywhere but there. I stood up and got dressed. He lived around 5 miles from where I did. It was three o'clock in the morning. I started walking, my mind blank, my heart sad, and my body felt guilty. After two miles, I came to a bridge. Walked to the top and sat over the bridge, debating with myself whether I should jump or just keep walking home. After sitting for some time, I got up and started walking home. I got home and saw both of my dad's brothers, my cousin and my mom having breakfast. They were there to check on Mom to make sure she was okay. 

    I felt worst about taking my little walk of shame in front of them. I had hoped they didn't notice a thing or even judged me for being a walking mess that morning. I just felt so dirty. I cried in my room quietly thinking about my ex-boyfriend and how sweet he was with me. How much He went out of his way to show me how much he cared about me and that I was different than any other girl he ever encountered. I was used to being treated like a princess and not a bag of meat. I missed him so much. I thought of how different he would see me if he had known anything about what just took place. I felt I fucked up and for the first time ever, I felt real anxiety in my belly.  

    Years passed and I had gotten over that entire experience. I had become almost best buds with this guy's best friend. We're hanging out and his friend tells me he felt I was always too good for that old crush of mine. He started to tell me that he loved his best friend but doesn't agree with the way he treated women, especially girls like me. He apologized for his buddy's behavior and then confessed something that began to haunt me all over again. He told me he and two other friends were in the closet watching the entire thing, that night There was a bet as to whether I was or wasn't a virgin. I had always been freaky, but I wasn't there yet, at the time. This triggered a whole new low inside me. I realized I was truly seduced into that entire moment. I felt stupid as shit. I felt too pretty to be a damn toy. I wasn't. I was exactly what he wanted me to be, and did exactly what he wanted and that hurt. It just added to the list of traumas I had experienced as a child. These scars didn't heal until my ex-boyfriend came busting back into my life to make me his wife.